So you didn’t achieve your New Year resolutions, again…
This time of year, for me at least, is a time of reflection and assessment of myself in the year gone by and a time to look to the new year just about to start.
No doubt, you like me, will have a bunch of unachieved resolutions from last year, grandiose ideas and desires, that now hang around your shoulders like a cloak of shame and guilt. These old resolutions are usually voiced, in my head, in a judgemental and non-compassionate super ego, or if not voiced in such a strong manner they definitely leave me feeling a little deflated by my underachievement yet again..
So why don’t we achieve what we set out to achieve? Why do we torture ourselves so? Why do we continue to lambast our underachieving selves and why do we think this year will be any different?
There are many, many people out there; coaches, mentors and guru’s who will gladly sign you up at this time of year promising you that they can ensure you can ‘make 2020 be your best year yet’. This might be in business, finance, physique, love or whatever that thing is that you so desire. You’ll be set off on a mission to take on the world and distance yourself from the ‘old you’. For me though there is a missing link..
The first stage of transforming anything is accepting, without judgement, victimisation or malice, the reality of the situation as is. There is a reason why you are who you are and where you are. Ok, you might be 3 stones overweight, you may not have applied yourself as fully as you resolved to in your business, you may not have stopped smoking..
Before making those strong resolutions to banish those parts of yourself you don’t like can you be compassionate enough to the parts to ask why they are how they are? Why is it that you are 3 stones overweight? Probably because you are eating too much. Why is it that you are eating too much? That’s a really deep question. Why is it that you are eating too much? What are you gaining, apart from the weight, by eating too much? Eating, I would guess, is giving you comfort, control, distraction from other parts of life. Eating may be protecting you from a painful emotional thought pattern.
Who doesn’t want to be comforted, to be in control, to be distracted from painful emotional thought patterns? These are perfectly acceptable things to want in life. So now we could reframe the question, why am I eating too much? To why don’t I have comfort and control in my life and what painful emotional thought patterns am I distracting myself from?
If you can make a resolution to yourself to identify the parts of you that actually need your help, support and compassion you’ll be on a much better footing to heal the parts of you that are suffering and healing the real problem you have rather that healing what you are using as the solution to your problem..Overeating isn’t actually the problem, it’s the solution to a deeper problem.
This is why, certainly in the weight arena, we see so many people fluctuate from crisis to crisis. They haven’t really done the emotional work required and this work can be much more difficult to do than going to the gym 3 nights each week.
If you would like to support yourself to make some changes in your life this New Year here are a few questions to answer;
Q1. What is happening for me right now as I consider the changes I want to make? What are the physical sensations I can feel right now? No need to explain to yourself why you’re feeling what you're feeling..Maybe your shoulders are tight or you feel a knot in your stomach..Just feel it without applying a story to it. Sit with this felt sense for as long as you can and notice how it changes, moves, increases or decreases.
Q2. What emotion would I associate with this felt sensation? Again be wary of applying a story here..’I’m feeling this because’..Simply identify the emotion; sadness, anger, fear, rage..
Q3. If that emotion could speak and ask you for something what would it be? I know this sounds like a really weird question, but try this and be prepared to listen to the things that come up for you. You’ll be surprised.
Q4. How do I commit to this part of me that I can give it what it has asked for? This is really important and the answer here will be exactly the same as the thing you are missing in your outside world. If you wish to follow this process through it is essential to listen and respond to yourself here. Failing to do that will just reaffirm to those hurt parts of yourself that they are not worth listening to and you will be encouraging yourself to continue and even increase the very behavior you wish to stop.
My experience is that when you ask the above questions and follow through with your promises to yourself you’ll find that your desire to eat, smoke, procrastinate or binge watch TV decrease naturally and you will be in a much better position to be your full true authentic self. Of course you may well need to take some action to repair the damage already done, you may need to go to the gym, or study some more but you’ll be much more likely to maintain your efforts and achieve what it is that you’d like to achieve.
Good luck to one and all in 2020, I do hope it is your best year ever and I hope that you take the time to be compassionate enough to ask yourself what it is that you really need from yourself.
Kevin.