I’ve just read the most beautiful piece of writing. It was written by a very close friend, Vinty Firth, who with his wife and young family, has been living through the toughest of times. Not the tough times we all find ourselves in right now, but his and his families very personal toughest of times. Life and death experiences, or, no doubt as Vinty would put it, life and life experiences. His writing has inspired and encouraged me to tap at my own keyboard and share, or maybe process, my own thoughts.
I am privileged to work with people. I am privileged to be permitted to be an abiding witness to many people's fears, trauma’s, doubts and innermost thoughts as they walk themselves back from the brink to a place of peace, love and compassion - primarily for themselves, but ultimately, for those closest to them.
I get to be present to see people physically change in front of my eyes. I have witnessed men and women grow 5 or 10 years younger in 2 hours. How do they do this? They simply open their hearts to themselves and welcome everything that they have been hiding from most of their lives.
As my good friend Vinty wrote, ‘What I have come to know is that it’s our resistance to what is that creates suffering. And the acceptance and surrender leads to a more beautiful place.’ I believe he is right.
Childhood for many of us was traumatic. Not because our parents were cruel, although, quite often this was the case. Not because we have been abused, sexually, physically or emotionally, although, quite often, this wasn’t the case. Certainly not because our parents didn’t love us, they nearly always do. It was traumatic for us because sometimes our parents could only love us as much as they had been loved. There is no one to blame here, no place to lay responsibility. It simply was as it was because that’s all it could ever be.
As we move through our lives we learn to protect ourselves from pain. Who wouldn’t want to be protected from pain? The problem occurs when we believe, or at least the part of us that wants to protect us believes, that we need to be protected from everything. Until we begin to discover that these parts of us even exist we act in ways that destroy relationships, create addictions, stifle creativity and leave a wake of destruction wherever we go.
We tend not to like these parts of us, in fact, we tend to hate, berate, criticise, judge and vilify these parts of us. We sedate, intoxicate and distract ourselves so that we don’t have to accept these parts of us. They are too painful, too shameful, too guilt ridden to look at. Who here wants to accept and feel their own pain, shame and guilt? It’s easier to drink, smoke, inject, surf, complain, eat or binge watch than to feel this pain. Is it any wonder we are an addicted society.
Then a pandemic comes along and we are all locked away with ourselves. The majority of our distractions have been taken from us. We find it much more difficult to run away from ourselves when we have nowhere to run to. There aren’t so many places to hide from ourselves when we can’t leave the house and that, in my humble opinion, is the trauma facing many, many people right now. The trauma of being with their own pain.
What to do then? How do we escape this pain? How do we get to a place where we can be at peace with ourselves and our loved ones. Well, in the words of Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process, ‘the only way out is in, and the only way in is through’.
What we actually can do is do nothing at all. We can sit with ourselves. We can feel our pain. We can acknowledge our darkness, our anger, our grief, our fear, our shame and our guilt and, with open arms and an open heart say to these parts of us ‘I love you, I am delighted you are here and you are most welcome’. We can enter into a relationship with all of these parts of us. An unconditional, non judgemental, compassionate and loving acceptance of all that we are. Feeling is healing.
I am reminded of a poem by the great Sufi poet Rumi who writes in his poem The Guest House;
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Maybe the isolation that has been forced upon us by a virus and, our understandable desire to protect the vulnerable in our society, has really shown us that we have always been isolated. We have always, through no fault of our own, isolated ourselves from ourselves. The situation we find ourselves in now is forcing us to break that isolation and to be with ourselves. This for many, many people is extremely difficult. I have had several conversations this week alone with people who are feeling the pain that has been buried deep inside themselves rising up to the surface.
Maybe we can stop the self isolation by distraction, maybe we can stop trying to fix ourselves, change ourselves, run from ourselves, improve ourselves. Maybe we can stop trying to be skinnier, or bigger or richer or smarter and we can face the very reason that many are trying to get, have, achieve, own, do or be and just be. Maybe we can use this isolation to just accept all of us there is to accept and just be.
I’ve been bombarded with posts, tweets, emails and promotions telling me than now is the time to market myself, to sell myself, to step up my game, to turn this negative into a positive, flip, twist, push on, drive forward, be at my best, lose weight, get fit, up skill, upgrade, upsize, expand and promote myself. Have you noticed how our fears of being accepting of ourselves are being used even now to sell us stuff to keep us from realising ourselves, from taking a few days to fully open our hearts and say ‘I accept me for all that I am, I am happy to be with me, I am content just to be.
If you are feeling anxious, stressed or out of your depth maybe, just maybe, you are the person that can save you and all you have to do is be. Just be.
I want to leave you with another quote from the piece of writing that inspired me to write to you…’Just for now, breathe, become present with the life giving force of your breath, slow down to the pace of life and be present.
And with a final poem from poet Jeff Foster
Stop trying to heal yourself, fix yourself, even awaken yourself.
Let go of letting go.
Stop trying to fast-forward the movie of your life, chasing futures that never seem to arrive.
Instead, bow deeply to yourself as you actually are.
Your pain, your sorrow, your doubts, your deepest longing, your fearful thoughts...are not mistakes, and they aren't asking to be healed. They are asking to be held.
Here, now, lightly, in the loving arms of present awareness.